So.. yesterday the "healty" part of me got its voice heard and I decided to listen. Bad idea.. bad!

It said; "oh, come on, you don't have an eatingdisorder, it's all in your head. prove Ana wrong now, let's have pizza!". 

Easily fooled me saying; "I don't? Maybe I don't... maybe you're right! But She doesn't want to. She doesn't. I can't. I don't want to". This is followed by voices in my head having an argument.

Stupid, stupid "healty" part won the discussion of course.

40 minutes later.. Me diving head first  in the toilet.

you think I might have learned from this. Nope.. same thing happened today. I've got to stop listening..

you know I said there's two parts off me? This might give you another hint to why.

Usually I eat breakfast (to keep my heart beating and to avoid dizziness), but yesterday I oversleept so, no time for that. And well.. if I don't have breakfast, why bother eating at all?  And I didn't want to eat. I was hungry, yes, but hungry I can deal with, never been a problem (feeling like eating on the hand, now there's a problem!).

Anyway, now let me get this straight; I didn't want to eat, I didn't feel like eating, no-one asked me to have lunch with them, no-one offered me any food and there were absolutely  no temptations what so ever. Sounds like the perfect day now, doesn't it?

So what's my mental reaction? Complete, utterly anxiety to the edge off tears.. normal eh? I spent the entire day almost crying because I really really didn't want to eat.

This girls doomed, I'm telling you

There are two parts of me.

There's the bigger, stronger, sick part that always seems to win, no mather what. The part of me that listens to Ana and obeys her. The part full of anxiety, misery and pain. The part that refuses to eat. The part that Ana calls strong.

Then there's a much smaller part that mostly stays hidden. It hides from Ana because it doesn't like her. That feeling is mutual, Ana doesn't like this part eighter. She wants to destroy it. And I want her to destroy it, beacause it makes me weak, it makes me refuse Ana's rules and disappoint her. It makes me fail. This is the part Ana calls weak.

Only thing is.. Every time this part comes out of its shelter, it says: "Hey! I'm the stronger part! you don't need Ana, she's no good for you. She lies. You and me, we can live without her."

It makes me confused, and I don't know who to listen to.. Because Ana wouldn't lie now, would she?  

Ana always tells me the truth and I truly mean always. You know how friends may sometimes tell you those little white lies to keep you from getting hurt? Ana won't do that. Ever. That's why I trust her more than anyone else.
Sometimes, some days, I might fell weak, tired or depressed, I might say: No Ana! I don't want to. Not today.. I don't want to be sick, I don't want to starve, I don't want to isolate myself from the world just to be with you, and  most of all, I don't want to be thin!!! But I know.. and Ana knows, That that's a lie, That that's all I want. All my happiness and all my misery lies in those 42 kilos, in that size zero and that BMI of 16. And she will tell me, and I will belive her.

This is not about dieting, nor is it about raising eating-disorders to the skies, giving you hints and tips on how to starve youreselves to death. It is not about telling you what I eat, or what I don't eat, how much I work out or how I work out. It is not about telling you how I will reach that weight of 42 kilos (in my case a BMI of 16) or about trying to kept that weight after I reached it.

This is about me and my best friend. Some of you know her very well. Her name is Ana

Ana IS my best friend. She's what keeps me alive when all i want is to lay down and die, when I'm depressed she's always there by my side. When I'm out running or walking and my heart's fighting to keep beating and my empty stomach wants to trow up the nothing that inside of it, Ana's there to cheer me on. "Just a few more kilometers", she will say, "just a few more". When I've been weak and my fingernails are tearing at the inside of my troath, my head is halfway down the toilett and I feel the stomach acid sting, ana's there to. She'll tell me I was stupid and weak, I shouldn't have eaten. And I know I shouldn't have. Eating makes me fat, fat, fat and I was stupid! She will tell me. And then she will comfort me, tell me that trowing up was the only right thing to do. i don't want to throw up, and she knows that to, but we both knew it had to be done. No-one but Ana would have understood that.

You might say I'm stupid. How can you call "that" your best friend? 
I don't expect you to understand, and I don't want you to understand. You see.. there is only one way for you to understand really, and that is for you to meet her. I don't wish for you to meet her, I don't wish that for anyone. I envy you and your healthy lives, I wish I could have that to. But Ana's my best friend, for months and months sometimes she's the only one that keps me alive. Without her, I would give up. Besides,how do you leave your best friend really?

You might say I'm sick, That Ana's not a friend, it's a fatal disease.
Don't you belive I know? I know deep down in my heart that the thinner I get, the more Ana will love me. Ana hates me when I eat, she hates bodyfat you see. But even when I'm fat, she's still there, she won't leave me because she wants me to be perfect, and perfect means bones. She loves bones..
I know it might kill me trying to live up to her standards, but if I don't do what she tells me, it makes me miserable.

Ana keeps me on my feet, and that's why, she's my friend until death do us part.