I defied Ana today, partly.

She wanted me to throw up, and I did. Of course..

But not everything. I threw upp half of it and then I stopped. She told me to put my fingers back down my throat and keep them there until She said I could stop, until She said I was clean again. Clean and empty.

But I didn't want to, I refused, and amazingly She let me go.

Or at least that's what She wanted me to belive. After 20-30 minutes of calming down, there I was again! Head down the toilet, fingers stuck as far possible down my throat, fingernails scratching, Ana wanting me to bleed.

Then I remembered. I didn't want this, and once again I refused.

Ana screaming, kicking me where I lie on the bathroomfloor, climbing into the bathtub, hot water, Ana telling me to drown, I'm crying, wishing I was already dead..

Still I defied her, and now it hurts

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