You know those meals that are so colourful and fresh and healthy but still sooo good you just wanna have them again and again and again..

I had a dream tonight, in which I found a recipe of one of those meals online.

And this recipe was to good to be true. It had it's calorie intake written in the end of it. And according to the site, it contained -427 calories.

Imagine that! you loose 427 calories by eating it! I would eat it every day! You could get anyone with an eatingdisorder to eat it! No matter how

repulsing food is, no matter how discusting we find it. Hell, I'll eat it if it makes me loose weight.

Was I depressed when I woke up realizing there's no such thing..

Because the mirror hurts worse than starving...

We've been fighting for a while now, me and Ana.

I've been failing alot. Failing makes her angry, which in turn makes me depressed, leading to me failing again.

It is time now, for me to take my responsibility.

It is time now, for us to make up.

Stop fighting and start living by the rules. We all need rules to reach our goals, we need a plan. The rules of life are simple..:

*If you have selfcontrol, you can do anything and the world lies at your feet

*Gaining selfcontrol will result in sacrifices, sacrifices you'll willingly give

*Gaining selfcontrol will result in pain.

*Pain is a small price to pay

..And with Ana's help, I'm going there.

"The first feeling was that of terrible constriction. With the sudden act of walking, her infinite dimensions were all at once reduced to a single point. She was compressed back down to the margins of her body, tangled up within its lumpen weight. A moment of suffocation, the hideous sensation of being buried alive - the she remembered how to breathe. She lay in darkness, hearing the rhythms within her: the blood moving, the air wheezing back and forth, the bubbles shifting and gurgling in stomach and bowels. She'd never realized before quite how noisy she was, how heavy, how densely packed. It seemed an appalling complexity, and one that would be quite impossible to operate. The idea of moving it mystified her."

Jonathan Stroud - Ptolemy's gate

I'm sure we would be quite happier without a body, just a mind floathing around in chaos

How the body works: lesson 1

Sleeping is something that's not uncommon to anyone. We all do it (sooner or later..), but do we reflect upon why we do it?

Well, for a number of reasons really, but one of them is to let the body detox. Your body detoxes every single night. This is the reason you shouldn't eat closer than two hours before you go to bed, in two hours the stomach has time to do most of the job upon the food you've been eating, so by giving it two hours before sleep, it can do a better job detoxing. 

When you fast, your digestive organs and intestines slows down because of the scarcity of food to work with. And because of the lack of work, the bodys natural need for sleeping is also taking a step back, decreasing the hours of sleep needed (which of course vary from person to person).

You'd think that if you fast, you should be so tired from the lack of energi that you'd easily sleep twice as much. I'd wish!! But nope, that's wrong.. When I fast, I get to sleep every other night. I'm so tired I just wanna drop dead.

Yeah, I know, I'm an idiot for doing this, but it's a five day fast, saturday I'm gonna force myself to start eating again (not over-eating! had enough of that last week, thank you)

So to all you sleeping ones out there:

"Goodnight, and sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite.

But if they do, slap them in the head with a shoe!"

I haven't been writing for a few days now, been busy sticking my head down the toilet I'm afraid.

I hate throwing up, not physically, I'm so used to it so it doesn't bother me, sometimes I kind of wish for that feeling you're supposed to have, you know when your eyes are running and your trying your best to catch a breath and you feel like "if this doesn't stop soon, I'm going to suffocate!". Sounds weird wishing for that doesn't it? But belive me, when throwing up comes as easy as drinking a glass of water, you won't feel as good about it as you might think, especially not when you know the reason for its simplicity..

Mentally on the other hand, throwing up is hell.

Good news is; I've been able to keep what I've been eating for the last two days and it feels like I'm finally back on track again, with some renewed strenght to keep me going a bit longer.

Wish me luck