Direktlänk till inlägg 16 september 2008
There are two parts of me.
There's the bigger, stronger, sick part that always seems to win, no mather what. The part of me that listens to Ana and obeys her. The part full of anxiety, misery and pain. The part that refuses to eat. The part that Ana calls strong.
Then there's a much smaller part that mostly stays hidden. It hides from Ana because it doesn't like her. That feeling is mutual, Ana doesn't like this part eighter. She wants to destroy it. And I want her to destroy it, beacause it makes me weak, it makes me refuse Ana's rules and disappoint her. It makes me fail. This is the part Ana calls weak.
Only thing is.. Every time this part comes out of its shelter, it says: "Hey! I'm the stronger part! you don't need Ana, she's no good for you. She lies. You and me, we can live without her."
It makes me confused, and I don't know who to listen to.. Because Ana wouldn't lie now, would she?
I defied Ana today, partly. She wanted me to throw up, and I did. Of course.. But not everything. I threw upp half of it and then I stopped. She told me to put my fingers back down my throat and keep them there until She said I could stop, until She ...
You know those meals that are so colourful and fresh and healthy but still sooo good you just wanna have them again and again and again.. I had a dream tonight, in which I found a recipe of one of those meals online. And this recipe was to good to b...
Because the mirror hurts worse than starving...
We've been fighting for a while now, me and Ana. I've been failing alot. Failing makes her angry, which in turn makes me depressed, leading to me failing again. It is time now, for me to take my responsibility. It is time now, for us to m...
"The first feeling was that of terrible constriction. With the sudden act of walking, her infinite dimensions were all at once reduced to a single point. She was compressed back down to the margins of her body, tangled up within its lumpen weight. A ...
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